Eternal Fringe

This short story was written during my senior year in college. During that time, I was swamped with many classes that demanded my time and attention which brought about great stress. This story is inspired by this struggle and reflects on the struggle of a college student concerned about success. Now available for reading!!

I’m always annoyed. Annoyed by the fact that wherever I go, there’s always someone in front of me and someone behind me. They’re always in my way. The guy in front is always looking back at me, but not just over his shoulder. No, he’s walking backwards to face me, keeping his studying eyes on me at all times. I don’t know who he thinks he’s looking at like that. As for the other guy behind me, he’s always so close that he steps on my heels. Sometimes, I can even feel his breath down my neck. I’m just waiting for him to lick me to see what flavor I am. Ugh. Whether I’m going to class or going home, they’re always waiting for me. Whether I’m awake or sleeping, they’re always nearby. Whether I feel like dealing with them or not, they’re always there.

Sometimes I wonder why I haven’t gotten use to them. I mean, they’ve been there all my life. The guy that walks in front of me was born long before I was and the guy behind me was born not long after me. All in the same place. They even grew up with me, one in front and one behind. The front guy always ran from me though, and the guy behind always It still amazes me that they both have been in my life for this long.

I believe I have fair reason to be annoyed. The older, buffer guy in front of me never talks to me. He only searches me. The expression on his face lets me know he’s studying me, almost as if he’s trying to remember something. It’s still annoying though. Everytime I look up, I see his eyes surveying my every move. I see many people bump into this guy and tell him to watch where he’s going. He doesn’t turn around though. I don’t think he realizes how much of an impact he makes on them. They walk away in pain once they realize he isn’t paying them any attention. At times, I want to run up to the guy in front of me, grab him by the collar, and ask him:

Why are you always studying me?

You know you’re always pushing people away, right?

Isn’t there something else in life you can do?

Trust and believe, I’ve actually tried to. Unfortunately, this guy is uncatchable. Every time I take off after him, it’s as if he knows my every move. He dodged every attempted grab all while moving backwards. I even chased him over a railing, but he just backflipped over it and kept running backwards. Though I hate to admit it, he’s pretty skilled.

As for the younger, wimpier guy behind me, I already know why he’s following me. He likes me. Like, a lot. I think I understand why though. He’s always been looking for an answer, a purpose, a guide. For some reason, he thinks I have it figured out. He’s always watching me and trying to get my attention. He thinks I’ve got it all figured out like some celebrity. I’m sure he’s fallen in love with me, though he’s also fallen in envy. I can feel his lustful gaze trying to strip me down and reveal all that I am. Like some kind of mystery gift he wants all to himself. I feel violated. He’s always stepping on my heels just so I’ll turn around for him to ask:

Why don’t you look at me more often?

Can’t you help me be noticed for once?

How do you do you?

I’ve tried to be nice and tell him to leave me alone. Heck, I’ve even tried to help him out, but to no avail. He just doesn’t get it. He can’t see life the way I see it yet. There’s just no point in trying to get him to understand. Everytime I try to tell him what to do next, he shys up and tries to get me to do it. I don’t have time for that. Trying to help him is just slowing me down as it is. I just keep trying to go about my business hoping that his seemingly endless thirst will be quenched some other way.

Day in and day out, I have to put up with these guys. Since the day I was born, they’ve surrounded me. I’m almost certain they’ll be buried next to me when I die from going crazy. I’ll never be able to understand why the guy in front of me is always watching me, nor will I know when the guy behind me will stop watching me. I really want to know, but I don’t think I’ll ever find out. All I know is that I don’t want to become like either of them. I wish I could say I won’t, but the longer I deal with them I can’t help but wonder:

Who am I really?

Do I actually exist?

What am I doing with my life?

Then I had an epiphany. What if the guy in front of me wasn’t actually trying to look at me? What if I wasn’t the one the guy behind me needed to ask the questions? What if the guy in front of me was actually trying to find the guy behind me and the guy behind me needed to find the guy in front of me? Maybe the front guy will only find what he needs from the guy behind me, and the guy behind me will only get the answer he needs from the guy in front of me. I never thought of this until it occured to me that that I couldn’t see both of them at the same time. If what I realised is true, then it can only mean one thing: Maybe I’m the one standing in their way, and so long as I exist, they will never meet.